7) 1st Day of Cool

On a warm Wednesday in June, I pulled into the parking lot of Scotty’s Pub and Comedy Cove. I looked at the building and took the deepest breath.

I knew that once I walked through those doors life would be different. This class could go so poorly that I would be crushed and forced to give up my dreams forever. Or it could be the start of something good.

I hoped for the latter.

I looked up to my visor where I keep one of my favorite pictures of John and I. 

I exhaled and said, “Alright John. Let’s do this.” 

I put up my visor and headed inside. 

Once inside I was greeted by a friendly bartender.

“Hi,” I said awkwardly. “I’m here for the class.”

He pointed to the stairs across the room.

“It’s up there.” 

“Thanks.”

I began my journey to the stairs and into the world of comedy.

I walked into a room lined with walls full of autographed photos of comedians who had performed there.

I was the second student to arrive. My classmate was conversing with our instructor, the great Chip Ambrogio.

After grabbing our notebook and pencil, my classmate and I sat down at a table in front of the stage.

“Hi, I’m Fay,” she said.

“Hi, I’m Jax.”

“Have you ever done stand up before?” Fay asked.

“No. Have you?”

“Nope.”

And then she asked me the one question I was dreading.

“So what made you want to do stand up?”

I decided to answer honestly but kept it as brief as possible. I was stunned that I could explain without any tears.

The rest of our classmates arrived. We were all strangers, but that would quickly change.

Chip explained how the class would work. Each week we would come to class with prepared material. Each of us would get up on stage and perform.  Like my writing class, we would then get feedback from each other. 

We did a quick round of intros. Again I was able to introduce myself without crying. The class was a success so far.

Chip began by calling us up on stage one by one. He was just going to ask us simple questions so we would get comfortable being on stage. He told us we did not have to be funny.

Fay was the first one up.

And she was funny.

I started to feel anxious. 

I didn’t realize we’d be on stage in the first class.

What if I’m the only one who isn’t funny?

What if I don’t make a good impression?

What if I don’t belong here?

Chip then called me up.

And I was not funny.

I don’t know what happened to me up there. Maybe it was the fear of being vulnerable. Or the pressure I’d put on myself and this class but it was a disaster. I answered each question with one or maybe two word answers. The fearless woman that I walked in as was quickly turning back into that shy little girl. 

When it was time to get off the stage I felt like such a failure. 

I sat back in my seat trying to pay attention to the others while also berating myself.

Maybe I should just give the dream up.

And then Chip called my classmate Ari to the stage.

Just hours earlier he spent his afternoon receiving treatment for Stage 4 Pancreatic cancer. But in this moment on stage he was strong, full of life, and very entertaining.

If you ever want to know what courage looks like-it’s Ari.

Class did not go the way I wanted but I knew this was not something I wanted to walk away from. I was determined to do better next week. Our homework assignment was to come in with 3 minutes of prepared material.

As I left class I think I might’ve apologized for not doing well.

I told myself to stay calm. 

I thought of the times when John would tell me, “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

I knew I could do better next class. 

I had a week to come up with something.

Halfway through my drive home, for reasons I still don’t understand, I thought about the time a decade earlier when I went to the mall and accidentally walked in on a hostage situation. (classic me)

While it was a traumatic experience, I knew that tragedy + time =comedy. By the time I pulled onto my street I had my three minutes written for next class.

I rushed through my front door and opened my notebook. The ideas poured out onto my paper. 

I couldn't wait until the next class to see what the others thought.

That next week I walked up on stage with a lot more confidence than the first week.

By the end of my three minutes I made my mark on the class and my classmates.  

Each week some of us would hang out together after class. We’d stay for the Open Mic and I started making friends with the other comedians there. For me Chip’s class was life changing. Not only did I learn a lot about comedy, but I also learned how to have fun again.

One of my classmates, who had a few years of experience with stand up, shared with us that the audience want to know three things: who you are, why you are, and why you are here.

As I was building my set for the show I knew my material answered the first two questions.

But the third one-why am I here?

John.

It wasn’t an easy decision but thanks to the encouragement from Fay and the others, I decided to write some material about John.

To me it didn’t matter if the material was funny or not. All that mattered was in that moment while I was up on stage with the spotlight shining on me, as I said John’s name into the microphone for all to hear, in that moment John would be very much alive in comedy.

For so long I wanted to do standup for John.

By writing material about him, I could do standup with John.

I knew it was risky. 

Would I be able to keep my emotions in check or would they get the best of me while up on stage in front of everyone?

I wasn’t sure what would happen but I would soon find out.