Our Story

The lights were bright.

The audience was packed.

Welcome to Jersey’s Funniest Female Festival.

After my set I walked backstage to hugs and high fives from the other contestants. We sat around chatting and laughing. This was what it must feel like to be in a pageant. I made a mental note to look up the age requirements for Miss America. I wanted more moments like this.

During intermission the event director came backstage to let us know the results. Only five of us would be heading on to the final round. I knew anything could happen but I remained hopeful. One by one he read off the names. Angela. Candyce. Only 3 spots remained. Emma. Down to 2 spots. I reached for the bracelet on my wrist and held onto it tightly. It’s the same bracelet I’ve worn every day for nearly the past 3 years. I ran my thumb over the four capital letters inscribed on the bracelet. It’s something I do whenever I'm scared or anxious or nervous and just need a reminder that I'm not alone.

And then I heard it.

Jax.

He called my name.

I was moving onto the final round as a Top 5 Finalist.

I smiled and patted my bracelet knowing that I was not alone on that stage. In fact there hasn’t been any part of my journey leading up to this moment where I was alone. So how did I get here? How did I go from being a regular, sad person to a stand up comedian? What’s my story?

Some say it’s a story of resiliency. Some call it inspiring. Some even say it’s a story of good genetics. (That was my grandma. She’s the only one who said that.)

But above all it’s a love story.

I look back down at my bracelet and see his name.

JOHN.

I met John through my brother Richard. John's smile lights up every room and his soul made me believe in Hallmark movies. He’s a brilliant standup comedian, an aspiring screenwriter, and a genuinely good person. Our paths first briefly crossed at a St. Pat’s basketball game a few years earlier, but it wasn’t until we were both in my brother's wedding that we would form a deep bond. By the after party I knew that I would spend every day of the rest of my life loving him.

Shortly after the wedding he had to return to LA, not only to perform at some of the biggest comedy clubs in that city, but to be part of the prestigious Groundlings. When he was out there I caught a glimpse of his life as a stand up comedian. I was impressed with his hopes and dreams for his future and inspired by his vision for life and his ability to find deep meaning in it all.

As our connection continued to deepen, John rearranged his schedule to spend the rest of the summer home in NJ before returning to the West Coast for the Fall. But by mid October he was back in NJ again planning to move home permanently. I thought the stars were finally aligned. We would no longer have to deal with distance or time zones. We were now only a mile away from each other with the whole future ahead of us.

And then tragedy struck.

After the death of a friend, John once again had to head back to LA for the services. He told me he had to hold it together for all his friends. He wasn't exactly sure how long he would stay but he would definitely be back to spend Thanksgiving at my Grandma's. It wasn’t easy but I knew how important it was for John to support his friends during this time. John was good at a lot of things, but he was especially good at being a friend to others. He was there for so many during dark times.

His light was bright.

Time went by and one day I didn’t hear from John. With each passing moment my concern grew. Finally I heard my phone vibrate and felt a rush of relief. But when I grabbed my phone I saw that it was my brother and not John.

“Hey Jax, how are you? Are you still down the shore?” my brother asked.

“I’m shopping but will be home in a little. What’s up?”

I have a close relationship with both of my brothers but neither of them has ever texted me out of the blue asking how I was or where I was for no reason. First red flag.

“Ok cool. Hit me up when you get back in the area,” he replied.

I knew something terrible had to have happened to cause my brother to text me the phrase “hit me up”.

“Is everything ok?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

I didn’t believe him. My biggest fear was that something happened to John and that he was in the hospital. I prayed and prayed to God to let him be ok.

When I arrived at my brother’s he talked so much about Notre Dame football that a part of me was convinced that nothing happened to John after all. I finally started to relax.

And then he stood up and grabbed the remote. With one click of a button he turned off the tv and divided my life into two.

“Jax, before I tell you what I have to tell you I just want you to know that we are all here to support you.”

“No,” I said.

“Jax.”

“No!” I said a little louder this time.

“Jax,” he repeated.

“What happened?” I asked through clenched teeth.

My brother paused. This had to be one of the hardest things he ever had to do.

“John passed away.”

“No!” I shouted.

My brother walked towards the couch to comfort me but I wanted to be as far away from him as possible. He just said the worst thing anyone has ever said.

I made it a few feet from the couch before the weight of it all made me collapse to the floor. I would lay there for the next few hours curled up in the fetal position sobbing, screaming, gasping for air. The one person who could pick me back up was now gone.

I was only able to speak once when I lifted my head and yelled to my sister-in-law, “Makayla! Makayla! Wake me up!! I can’t wake up!”

I was desperately trying to wake up from this nightmare.

I felt everything and nothing all at once. My brother called in backups. Soon my sister and cousins were there. My mom was on her way. The look on their faces said it all. They were afraid of what I already knew.

I would never be the same.

For months I would sit on my couch waiting for a knock on the door or a text from him. Each day that didn't happen the pain grew sharper and cut deeper.

From the moment John walked into my life, he changed everything. There were so many things I was looking forward to with him by my side. And there were so many things he would have accomplished. So many more lives he would have impacted. It wasn’t supposed to end this way.

I’m not exaggerating when I say that a part of me died with John. But I now realize that an even bigger part of John stayed with me.

All I wanted to do was bring John back. But I couldn’t. So I made it my mission to bring him forward. I would somehow find a way to let his bright light continue to shine.

This isn’t the story I wanted with him.

But this is our story.

And we’re just getting started.