18)Why Not Me?

August 31st was a big day.

First, it was the last day of summer break. I woke up that morning knowing it was my last day of freedom. The last day of summer that I spent writing every day and performing multiple nights a week.  

I did not want that feeling to end.

Traditionally on the first day of summer break I make a list of all the errands that I need to do that summer. Then on the very last day of summer break I try to do some of them. 

On that last day of summer I knew I wasn’t going to accomplish all of them so I looked at my list and decided which ones were my top priority. 

I knew if I could only accomplish one of them it had to be the memorial gifts for John. 

The church I go to as an adult coincidentally happens to be the church John belonged to all his life. I like to make memorial donations in his honor around the anniversary of his death and his birthday. By making a donation, I could either get a mass in his honor or have the candles lit in his honor for a whole week. Either way his name makes the bulletin and it gives me a reason to feel extra connected to him at church. I normally go for the mass in his honor, but I decided to mix it up this year and would go for the candles.  

August 31st was also the day that the selections for Jersey’s Funniest Female Festival would be announced. 

I did not want to think about that and hoped running the errands would help distract me.

I headed first to the church. Just as I approached the intersection where I would turn to park, the police blocked the intersections for a funeral procession. I sat there watching as cars drove slowly past me and it immediately took me back to November 2019, when I had to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I had to walk into that very church John’s mass. I had to face the reality that he was gone. And even though it would take me a very long time to understand that he wasn’t coming back, I had to figure out how I would face each day of the rest of my life without him.

I thought back to that day as I sat in those pews. I thought back to that point later in the mass when I completely broke down and needed 3 people to hold me up. 

I was tormented with the one question that can never be answered.

Why?

Why did this have to happen to John? Why did this happen to me?

As I continued to watch this funeral procession, tears rolled down my face, understanding that for some of the people in those cars their lives will never be the same. That one person’s death can forever change another’s life.

Once the last car drove by, the police allowed me to turn.

I pulled up right in front of the church and put my car in park.  I wiped away my tears and took a deep breath.  When I went to grab my phone so I could go into the Parish Office, I saw that I had a text from Naomi. 

I opened it.

“Did you get in? Check your email for NJ Funniest,” she wrote.

I immediately started shaking. My heart was pumping out of my chest. I struggled to control my hands to open my email.

I saw there was an email in my inbox with the subject Jersey’s Funniest Female.

I hesitated to open it. I just had an emotional breakdown moments ago. I didn’t think I could handle any bad news. 

I opened it anyway.

The email started,  “Important information below. Please read carefully.”

I scrolled down past the event’s logo. I briefly closed my eyes then opened them to read the following:

Hi Jax,

Congratulations, you have been selected to perform in Jersey's Funniest Female! 

I didn’t process what the rest of the email said. I would have to reread it multiple times later on. All I know is that I made it. I was in.

Just a few minutes earlier I had been crying my eyes out thinking about John’s death. Now there I was sitting in my parked car with John’s grammar school to the left of me and our church to the right of me, knowing full well that he’s been beside me this whole time.

I yelled out, “JOHN! I made it! You’ll be with me up there John. Let’s do this! Let’s do it John!”

The elation wouldn’t fade. I’d float into the first day of work the next morning (and have a great answer for “how was your summer?”) knowing that my life had just expanded in such a significant way.

As one of my close colleagues pointed out to me that September, “You’re smiling a lot more this year.”

I had a lot to smile about.

 I knew John and I were about to do something big.

The morning of the festival I received a text from my brother. He got his message across with just three words.

“Good Luck. Win”

For a long time all I could ever think was “Why John? Why me?”

But now, when thinking about this festival, there was only one thought running through my mind.

Why not me?