10) Going

Do you remember back in 2008 when Britney was spiraling and then you didn’t hear anything about her and were worried how she was doing and then months later out of nowhere she dropped Womanizer and you realized she was back better than ever?

Stand up comedy was my Womanizer.

I was back. 

I booked a few shows that summer followed by a few in the Fall.

I started taking comedy even more seriously.

I even bought a tripod.

I continued going to Open Mics trying out new material.  Some nights went well. Some not so much. I learned what works and what needs to be improved. 

I know it’s part of the process. 

But it was so easy for me to be hard on myself after a bad set. 

I’d go home, lay on my bed, and close my eyes.

Maybe I’m not meant for this.

Maybe I’m not good enough.

Maybe I should give up.

But I kept on going.

I was most excited for a show up in Bergen County. As a lifelong Union County resident, Bergen County is an exotic location. Growing up, it was home to many all boys schools that I would travel to with my family to watch state tournament games.

Now it was home to my first paying comedy show.

What a life I was living.

As I drove up the Parkway I glanced out over to the right and caught sight of the New York City Skyline.

For a moment I allowed myself to dream about performing in the City.

Then I decided I had to make that dream a reality. I set a goal for myself right then and there that next summer I would perform in New York City.  I wasn’t sure how I would make it happen but I was sure that it would.

One day.

One day I’d perform in New York City.

But for tonight I focused back on Bergen County.

As the audience trickled in, one of the other comics leaned in closer to me. 

“Hey,” he said. “You see that guy over there?”

I glanced over. “Yeah,” I replied.

“He produces shows.”

I gulped. 

The pressure was on.

The stakes for this show just became higher.

There’s no way I’d let myself fall short.

As I stood backstage waiting for the host to go through my intro, I tapped my bracelet and gave myself the most important reminder: have fun.

And I did. I won the crowd over early and fed off their energy.

After the show as I was talking to some of the audience I saw the producer out of the corner of my eye. I felt butterflies in my stomach. He approached me and told me he enjoyed my set. 

“You’ll be hearing from me,” he said before he left.

I turned to my sister-in-law giddy with excitement and said “Makayla, I think I might be going places.”

On the way home I got off my exit and in order to get to my street I had to drive past the street John grew up on. The home where John’s dreams of comedy and writing first came to life. 

“I’ll make them happen,” I reminded myself.

“We’re going to do big things I promise.”

I was on my way.

Things were falling into place.

Then like clockwork, John’s 2 year rolled around and the grief intensified.

The time leading up to the bad day is always full of what ifs. Various scenarios run through my head. I think about all the things that could have gone differently that would’ve kept him alive.

I feel John’s loss every single day from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep and often while dreaming. But the time period from leading up to his anniversary right through the holidays is always extra heavy. A pain that no amount of comedy can cure.

It always takes a lot out of me.

It always knocks me down.

I’m not the one who is supposed to be doing all of this. He should be here instead.

At night I close my eyes as all the thoughts run through my head. 

Maybe it is all too much.

Maybe I’m too overwhelmed.

Maybe I should give up.

I open my eyes.

And I keep going.